I know it's not always easy but, do what you can to keep the peace. Easier said than done around here most days. From day to day things just get harder and harder. The days just seem to stretch on and as if I'm looking at things through a looking glass, Gainesville seems to be getting further and further away. The heat has got everyone close to their boiling points and I'm no exception. How do I find the balance? I was under the impression that for the next few years at least the scale was shifted to my side. Things should be about me right now. Soon enough I'll out fighting life on my own and have no time for myself so this should be my time. 

Everything seems to be a paradox this summer. Finally got out of the dorm just to come home to an earlier curfew and no friends. The beaches are beautiful but the sun is blistering. Not paying rent living at home but rather paying with my sanity. My family comes down for a week or so to break up the monotony but the air is thick with more than just the usual 90% humidity. The tension between the opposing teams is brutal. It makes for an exhausting impossibly inflexible schedule. It makes me want to scream except that I can't scream anymore. I can't ignore it anymore either so I guess it all boils down to this: Don't Snap. I could come up with an escape plan but that's a little too permanent. The collateral has already been laid on the table, if I go, there's no coming back. So I could find little temporary day trips. I could pick up more shifts at work. Maybe I'll even get another job? The studio opens next week, at least then I'll have a little release. 

As for making her cry... Is it wrong that I don't feel bad? Is there a screw missing, or some signal that's getting lost in translation among all the firing neurons? Am I really a rude, ugly, mean-hearted bitch? I can relate to music and animals and Joy like I can ride a bike. When it comes to her snotty nose crying however it's not there. It's like a void of emotion when it comes to her antics. I could see how they'd be moving to most people but after over a decade of the same act and the same argument it just gets old. Still, she is my mother. I should have some... compassion? Ugh I hate the word like I hate hell. The way she extends the short "A" sound and scrunches up her nose when she says it. The quiver in her voice doesn't help either. It's not her fault necessarily. She was born like that I guess, dramatic and prone to tears. I was just born like this I guess, apathetic and prone to screaming.